Venting the Pain

Suffering from migraines is something that many people seem to relate to.  However, the type of pain I live with daily is unlike your typical migraine. The fact that I can even sit here and type this is a miracle. I am having an okay day today so I must take advantage of it. I should start from the beginning…

I have always had a lot of headaches. Now at 25 I wish I could go back to those days of frequent headaches. Growing up as a kid and teenager I would take quite a lot of Tylenol or Advil for the pain. Almost daily I would get a headache that would sit itself in the front part of my brain and just harass me. A couple of Advil, cup of coffee, or a few hours later and it would be gone. Nothing too worry about. In fact I didn’t even realize I was getting one nearly everyday for years. Yes, there were times when I would be great and I would be pain free. I hate to even call that kind of headache as causing me pain because it was nothing like what I go through now. I was able to function normally and attended school and social functions without a miss. I just always carried Advil with me and popped a few and was good to go. Friends could always count on me to have Advil, gum, and chap stick – the necessities! As annoying as it was to swallow a few pills each day to get rid of a headache I lived my life the way I wanted.  I didn’t have to change a thing because of the way I felt. Being your typical type-A personality I worked extremely hard at school, sports, singing, and whatever else I attempted. I was constantly on the go and I loved it. If I wasn’t busy I felt lazy and useless; although I never allowed myself to get like that. Here’s a little of what college was like for me. I studied engineering at a top university in Pennsylvania, was president of my sorority, and head of a university group that was in charge of entertainment on campus. My senior year I took fewer credits because I had completed all or my requirements so I added a part time job to the mix. (The job turned out to be the best thing I ever did; that’s where I met my husband!) After graduation I unfortunately had trouble finding my dream job and spent the next year frantically searching. Luckily my family was very supportive and I was able to live at home while job hunting. Finally my luck turned and, with a little help from a relative, I scored a wonderful job that would allow me to use my engineering background and my love of medicine. This job opportunity not only paid extremely well but also was willing to pay for me to get my masters at an Ivy League school. I couldn’t believe my luck! All of my hard work had finally paid off. Years of studying at private schools was about to give me and my parents - a return on investment. My parents had spent so much money and time on my education hoping a day like this would come. Their eldest child getting a full ride to an Ivy League school and an incredible job. We were all so elated.

This all happened about 3 years ago. My boyfriend and I moved into an apartment right outside Manhattan and both started our adult careers. I loved the power and respect that came with my position. I traveled to a different hospital everyday and worked with a great co-worker who was teaching me my new field. At night I would drive into the city and take a class or two. I began a hectic schedule of working 40 hours a week, driving about 4 hours a day, and taking 2 night classes for my masters in medical physics. It was crazy and I loved it. I was constantly running somewhere that it made me feel important and “adult.” My job had me a young 23 year old advising doctors and hospital staff on radiation safety and technique. It was a high to tell people what I did for a living. Shallow is what I think about now as I look back. I was focused on what others thought about me and how the world viewed me.

Too bad this great life I was living didn’t last longer though. Just short of my one-year anniversary with my company I was suddenly hit with an unbearable migraine that would not go away. I can still remember that day as if it were yesterday, now almost two and a half years ago. My husband had proposed to me on Christmas 2004, so that following February we were looking for reception halls. On that warm Saturday in February after looking at the second wedding place it hit me like a metal bat to the forehead. I remember lying in the backseat nauseous, sensitive to every little bump in the road begging my dad to drive slower. By Monday it had gotten worse. I tried to go to work but was very unproductive. How could this be happening? My Advil were not working and neither was napping or coffee or anything else for that matter. In fact nothing has helped since it has started two and a half years ago. Can you believe never having a pain free moment in over two years? What the hell is going on? Why can’t the doctors fix this? What did I do to deserve this? There are more questions than answers.